Just another let down, just another disappointment. Now I am well aware we use this phrase in a sarcastic way, but it really does encapsulate my family. Not only am I organising my own 21st Birthday which is bad enough, I had to yell at my parents & hung up on them to actually make them attend it. My Gran cannot think about anything except my sisters wedding & her move from QLD to Macksville (even though both events are in March) & my Grandma does not want to come. She has health problems but I actually thought that she would want to make the effort to come out for dinner, but apparently not. I haven't spoken to Melinda if she is coming down or not which leads me to believe that she in fact is not, or else she would have rung me with the flight times etc. Her issues are financial though which I can understand, but also the Uncle Max saga continues, & I heard through my Aunty Beth today that Melinda changed her mind & wants Mum & Aunty Beth to uninvite Uncle Max to the wedding, which really isn't Melinda's style, asking someone to fight her own battles. Also my cousins husband left her after 10 years & being married for only 1 so my Aunty Beth is in a state... & strangely enough I have come to depend on her in lieu of my parents which I never ever expected, but there it is.
I even fought with the Dad the other day because he never stands up to Mum. I really don't want to live here by myself anymore. I have never fully understood my bizarre attachment to Dooralong but it has a lot to do with the people that used to live in it. They have not lived here for such a long time so what the fuck am I still doing here? To be honest I am only here because of the free rent & the fact that I have Ruby. I want to work for a real business that can ensure me steady hours on a regular basis. I want to live with my friends. All I do now is spend money on food & fuel because I am out so much. I couldn't even be arsed to look after my place anymore because I just don't care. I don't maintain it because no one comes here so why should I? All my cousins & friends from Dooralong have also moved away. I am here for all the wrong reasons. I cannot maintain my relationships with my father & sister like I want to because they are not available to me like they used to be.
I guess that this has all been brought on by all this birthday bullshit. I am not really living like I wanted to be when I thought of myself turning 21. I think as a person I have matured a lot, but my health has dropped off which is something I really want to change. But alone out here I am not motivated by anything except going to work, which I hate. I want uni to start so it at least gives me some purpose in life.
If I was in ancient Roman times I would have sold the vast majority of my family into slavery by now. They really do disgust me. I want nothing to do with them. The ones I do care about do not make enough effort for me to feel obligation anymore. They do not have the same dedication as my friends do. Whether we realise it or not, our group of friends makes a lot of effort to simply just hang out & talk. With my family it is always such an effort, & excuses are made for absolutely everything three weeks in advance of an event. It is a wonder that my birthday even registered on their social radars if I didn't remind them. I know money is a problem for a lot of people. Spending $200 on a flight for Christmas was a problem for me, but I did it because it was for my family. Having the first two weeks of uni off so I can help my sister with her wedding is a problem for me but I wanted to do it, I booked flights like 6 months in advance. I do not understand why it is so hard for them to return the favor once for me, for my birthday. The excuses I have from my friends are legitimate like being in Europe, flying to Canada that day, or having Surf Lifesaving Championships on. Not I am working the night before & will be tired. I am coming to realise I owe my friends a lot more than I owe my family.
This stems deeper into the simple fact that I just really miss my sister & my father, & no matter how much my brain says I shouldn't, the inexplicable fact that my Mother will never care about me the way I want her to but I still keep expecting it.
Look at me, I'm a whinging bitch I know, but life is far from a one way street. I just hate that with my family its very out of sight out of mind.